Atheist Sets His Sights On Church Buildings

SACRAMENTO - A Federal lawsuit filed today by atheist D. Thomas Momus seeks to declare all churches illegal, and calls for their destruction and removal.

At a press conference outside of the Federal Courthouse, Momus stated, "Churches, Cathedrals, other buildings of worship... offend me very deeply. People go into these places to worship that which I do not believe in."

Legal scholars believe that Momus' lawsuit may have a chance at success. "In recent years, we've seen that if one small group or even one person is offended by something, well then it's got to go," said Judge H. N. Fidel.

"Look, I don't believe in God. And if I don't believe in God, then neither should the rest of the nation. That's the American way!" Momus shouted.

When questioned by reporters as to why his views can't peacefully coexist with others', Momus replied, "This country was founded on religious freedom. But people back then were pretty dumb. Crackpot ideas from over 200 years ago have no relevance today. The bottom line is that I'm offended, and that's just not OK."

If this lawsuit succeeds, Momus plans to make this a nationwide issue. In the meantime, he plans to do some work around the house. "I own some farmland, and it's seen some hard times since I've started with this lawsuit. Once I deal with the frogs, locusts, and hailstorms, I should be right back on track."

- Reported by Phillip Bhuster, Chief Political Correspondent

Earthquakes Interfering With Delicate Procedures

TOKYO - Surgeons and other professionals who must perform extremely delicate work are being plagued by an age-old phenomenon: the earthquake.

A growing number of patients seeking vision correction via laser surgery have undergone the procedure when an earthquake struck. "I was laying down with my eyelid pried open, the laser zapping my eyeball, when all of the sudden, the whole place starts shaking," recalls Cynthia Johnson. "Now, everything I see out of my left eye is upside-down!"

Botched laser eye surgeries are only the tip of the iceberg. During the last several major earthquakes, dozens of vasectomy procedures went horribly wrong, causing uncomfortable injuries.

Artist Joseph Chang, celebrated for his ability to transcribe lengthy text passages onto grains of rice, has seen a dropoff in business. "Mine is a precise art," Chang says. "One little slip, and the whole meaning can be changed. One customer wanted a Cantonese wedding blessing written on his rice grain. It was supposed to say 'May your days be filled with love and laughter.' The quake made me slip, and now it says, 'Your mother smells like a wet yak.'"

People who must work with precision are concerned about future earthquakes, and are looking to solutions to minimize the violent shaking. A consortium has been formed to discuss potential solutions, and is made up of nuclear technicians, gem cutters, tattoo artists, and brain surgeons, amongst others.

Earthquake expert Stuart Graff contends that no amount of planning will avert a disaster. "To get away from quake-shakes, the only suitable alternative is the weightlessness of space. But I'd guess that that, too, is not without some small risks."

- Reported by Woody Gorn

Playgrounds to be Dismantled Due to Lawsuit Threats

PURE ISLE - Remember playing on the swingset and monkey bars when you were a kid? Soon, your own children won't have similar memories.

County officials have unanimously approved a measure to remove all playground equipment from public parks. Spokesperson Cassandra Addle explained the decision: "We are on a very tight budget here, and we just can't risk being sued by some parent because their child hurt themselves at one of our parks. That, and maintaining the equipment is also quite costly. Yes, and of course, we're looking out for the safety of the children, blah blah blah..."

Public records did not indicate any history of lawsuits over playground injuries. When asked what threats were posed by playground equipment, Addle provided numerous potential scenarios. For example, she says a child who might have gone on to be a concert pianist may have their little fingers crushed in the chain links of a simple swingset. The see-saw is also a hazard: if one child suddenly leaps off, the other could go crashing to the ground, shattering their coccyx.

"Anything with a moving part is an accident waiting to happen. What if a kid gets whacked in the face, driving their nose bone up into their brain? That's a one-way ticket to lawsuit city," Addle contends.

So if jungle gyms and the like are such deathtraps, then how about playing in the grass instead? Sadly, Addle will not allow that either. "Grass can be slippery at times. A child could be running along and hit a patch where a doggie has tinkled. They slip, they fall, they sever their spinal cord. And the parents come away richer for it. We can't have that."

Local elementary schools are expected to follow in the same footsteps. Indoor activities will also likely be targeted there.

At least one local business is looking forward to the death of the playground: Foamfunland, an indoor facility with foam-padded floors, walls, and ceilings claims to offer "a safe play experience for children of all ages." A one-day pass costs $45, and patrons must sign a several page indemnification waiver to enter.

- Reported by Woody Gorn

Radio Station Maxes Out 'Boston' Airplay Allowance

ROCHESTER, NY - "Rochester's Classic Rock" WRCR-FM 92.4 is in trouble with the FCC again. After playing Boston's "More Than a Feeling" for the 100,000th time, they've reached their limit. For a 29-year old song, the station has played it on average ten times a day, every day since 1976.

"It's a true classic," said DJ Andy "The Squid" Skwidlinski. "What can I say, Rochester just loves Boston! And did you know that no computers were used in making that album? That's awesome..."

FCC Chairman Marvin Kent has taken a bold stance on overplayed classic rock: "One hundred thousand times is plenty for someone to hear a given song on the radio. You can't have this stuff clogging up the airwaves forever, you know."

WRCR is almost maxed out on other songs as well: "Sweet Emotion," "Sweet Home Alabama," "Come Sail Away," and "Double Vision," to name just a handful.

Executives at WRCR claim that the high incidence of Boston airplay is due to listener requests. However, an ongoing FCC investigation has revealed that station computers have the song on the playlists multiple times per day. Callers who, by chance, request something on the playlist have their phone call recorded and played on air as though the call is coming in live. This gives the appearance of fulfilling listener requests.

Skwidlinski says the FCC is being unreasonable. "Look, we got a lot of guys and gals who wanna hear this kind of music. Crusin' all night down Lake Avenue in your Trans Am with the bass cranked up as high as your girl's hairdo... It don't get no better than that! Don't take that away from us!"

If the station plays "More Than a Feeling" ever again, they face heavy fines and the possibility of having their license revoked.

Station executives are hurriedly preparing an alternative song to fill the gap. Recent statistics have shown a spike in the playing of Rush's "The Spirit of Radio." "It's a metaphor for our times, man," said a tearful Skwidlinski. "The FCC should take the lyrics of this song to heart, and stop punishing our faithful listeners. Rock on, man!"

- Reported by Woody Gorn

Kansas to Include 'Intelligent Interior Design' in Schools

TOPEKA - Kansan homes are about to get much prettier. That is, if the Kansas State Board of Education has anything to say about it.

After years of being taught that rooms "evolve" over time into things of beauty, students may now hear a different point of view: Intelligent Interior Design. The controversial topic is based on the belief that beautiful, yet functional rooms are divinely inspired, and do not happen over extended periods of time through random chance.

Dr. Paul Meyer, a proponent of Intelligent Interior Design, hails the move as a major victory. "You don't just toss tables, chairs, and fruit bowls into a room and expect them to look nice. A team of chimpanzees couldn't do that. There has to be something more, and our students deserve to be taught another way!"

Meyer believes that opponents are easily dispatched by pointing out the problem of their "missing links," as he calls them. "How is it that we went from wood paneling and shag carpets to Feng Shui to Shabby Chic and Moroccan? They can't explain that, then, can they?"

Television programs such as "Trading Spaces," and "Design on a Dime" are also targets of Meyer's ire. "What these shows put out there is not Intelligent Interior Design. What they put out there is...Unintelligent Interior Design!"

"This will be a great thing for the students of Kansas and for the rest of the country," Meyers says. "Otherwise, you'd probably see these kids in a few years on TV, flinging flying strands of spaghetti at the walls and calling it art."

- Reported by Woody Gorn

Judge Rules National Anthem Unconstitutional

SACRAMENTO - Thursday, a federal judge ruled the singing, performance, or listening to the national anthem in public to be unconstitutional.

Heath N. Fidel, a U.S. District Judge, ruled that the seldom-heard fourth stanza of the Star-Spangled Banner, the U.S. national anthem, violates listeners' rights "to be free from a forced requirement to trust in God." The fourth stanza ends, "And this be our motto: 'In God is our trust'"

This ruling scores a major victory for atheist groups, who brought the case to the Supreme Court, only to have the case dismissed.

Judge Fidel said in a press conference, "Francis Scott Key, who wrote the lyrics, was obviously a religious man. Good for him. But here it is, almost two hundred years later, and the risk of offending someone with these lyrics is just too high."

Religious groups were upset by the ruling. Fearing atheist retaliation, an anonymous church leader said, "Get real! It's not like anyone ever sings past the first verse anyway. It's a hard song to sing. They're just a bunch of troublemakers."

Fidel acknowledges that the controversial lyrics are seldom sung or heard, but claims that is not the point. "The lyrics are there, whether you hear them or not. And the sports stadium or high school gymnasium is not a church. The only solution is to eradicate this song entirely from public venues."

On the internet, peer-to-peer networks were frenzied in trading various renditions of the anthem, in anticipation of legal efforts to destroy all copies of the song. In legally-recognized houses of religious worship, it will still be acceptable to perform or hear the song, so long as the volume is kept low enough not to be heard outside of the building.

When asked what he'd replace the national anthem with, given the opportunity, Fidel had this to say: "Replace it? You don't want to do that! Somebody, somewhere might be offended by any replacement lyrics. At best, I could imagine something with no words, but that would make the U.S. look foolish then, wouldn't it?"

Judge Fidel's next case will see him ruling on whether the Declaration of Independence is in fact constitutional.

- Reported by Phillip Bhuster, Chief Political Correspondent

News Agencies Create Politically Correct Photo Captions

WASHINGTON, D.C. - America is furious. In a series of widely-circulated photographs from the Hurricane Katrina disaster in New Orleans, captions have labeled Caucasian-Americans transporting food products as "finders," while African-Americans doing the same are labeled "looters."

In response, all major news organizations have banded together to deal with the captioning crisis, and have made it their top priority. In related news, many human beings are suffering and dying, and are in dire need of food, shelter, and medical treatment.

The consensus among the media outlets is to be "more cautious" and "bigotry-free" in their photo captioning and in their general reporting methods.

With the new policy, all of the offensive photos will be recaptioned "This photo shows some human beings somewhere doing something." Spokespeople were quick to note, "This may change if this wording is found to be in any way offensive."

Television news reporters also have been advised to be very cautious. One major network ran a story about the indescribable suffering. The on-scene reporter's verbal report: "Behind me, you can see something happening here. More on this story as it unfolds."

One media executive, on condition of anonymity said, "This is exactly the kind of thing the media needs. This way, our reporting will be without bias of any kind, and we no longer have to worry about offending anyone with what we say. No more lawsuits! Maybe we can downsize the legal department!"

Elsewhere in the U.S. where pain, suffering, and death were not occurring, people have been devoting their energy to filling their gas tanks, complaining about gas prices, and looking for inconsequential things to complain about.

- Reported by Phillip Bhuster, Chief Political Correspondent